Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
