why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
