Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
