Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
