Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
