my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
