I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
