Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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