In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
