he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
