I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
