he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
