Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
