she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
