im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
