I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
