I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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