What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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