There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dignity is for republicans.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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