ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
