Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
