like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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