Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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