wrigley field is MILF paradise
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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