a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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