haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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