I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
