i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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