we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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