Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
