There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
