Yo dont text me then not text me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
