Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
