Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
