My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
