Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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