I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
