if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
