I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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