I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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