I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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