Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
