sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
