Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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