My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
