Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
