Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
