my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
