Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
