so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
