Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
